Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Updates and stuff..

I completed day 2 of work today. So far I really, really like it. I've spent these two days training for the job and such, and I took the certification test to give ANSA's. I passed on the first try so that was awesome. I'm kind of annoyed cause I did so well on the practice tests, but then barely passed the final test, I digress.

I think tomorrow I shadow someone. I don't know how excited I am about that. I'm kind of scared honestly. It's supposed to be a slow day too. I think that makes it worse. Oh well, hopefully it won't be so bad.

Scalp picking hasn't stopped, but I think it has gotten better. We shall see in the end.

I've been ridiculously tired after work, and I had to order a toll tag so I get to pay cheaper tolls on the roads. Bleh. I've been trying to resist that, but the drive home is so much faster when I take the toll road. Anyway, it's been good. I'm glad I did this honestly. I can't wait until I get more used to the schedule and then I'll start doing yoga either in the mornings, or when I get home. I don't know the best time to do yoga, and I'll have to wake up 30 minutes earlier if I want to do yoga.

My relationship has kind of been non-existent. I know the boyfriend is busy, and I'm busy but we haven't talked since Saturday I think? Maybe this relationship isn't a good idea? I don't want to believe that though. I think we could make it work if we try and not give up on it. Giving up is the worst.

We'll see. I really, really wish I could fast forward a few years. Hmph.

Oh, yeah, I turn 23 in 5 days. It definitely doesn't feel like it should be my birthday soon. I don't feel any older. I don't feel the usual excitement for my birthday either. Is this what it's like to be an adult? Birthdays just start being regular days? I'm not feeling that... not one bit.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Scared Yet Excited

In t-minus 22 hours, I will be starting a new position in the company I work for. It's a completely different facility, with completely different people (obviously). I'm so fucking scared. It's terrifying. I'm moving on to bigger and better things, but I wasn't expecting it at the ripe old age of 22.

My 23rd birthday is in a week. I feel like I have been extremely blessed I guess you could say, but I am an atheist so I say that lightly. I've just been very, very lucky. Not many people my age have it all together yet, shit I don't even have it all together, but I'm very close.

I had a new coworker go all "therapy" on me last night when I was telling her about my relationship. That was weird, and it made me start to question everything. I mean, fucking everything. I have a lot of learning to do, and I know that, I just wish I could flash forward a few years and see how this pans out.

Honestly, if this relationship doesn't work then it just doesn't. I have given it my all since day 1. I know that, and I'm proud of myself for not giving up. I might regret that later on, but it will only be for a short time. It'll be a lesson in the end if it ends. I just kind of take it day by day right now. I mean, I kind of have to with my boyfriend being on the other side of the country... The fact that we haven't given up yet.. that he hasn't given up has said a lot.

I came to write this and talk about my new job and my feelings on it, but I guess I was feeling a little more emotion towards the whole situation with the coworker. In the end, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm happy and I think in the end that's all that matters.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Day 1 was a complete fail.

I'm starting over for today. This is my day 1.

Friday, October 18, 2013

I have a problem...

When I was about 12 or 13, I started cutting. It was never too serious, and it wasn't for attention. It was my way of handling things at home. My father and I have an absolutely horrible relationship, it's been better since I moved out, but it's a terrible relationship. I don't know if I can necessarily call it emotional abuse, but if you want to look at it that way then that's how we can word it. He never hit me, but he was such an asshole... One time when I was home for Christmas break, he called me a bitch. It wasn't the best Christmas that year...

Anyway, I was a self mutilator off and on for years. When I moved to Denton in August of 2010, I hit my breaking point. I hadn't cut or even really thought about cutting for at least a couple of years, and when I moved my depression hit the worst it's ever been. I knew I needed to get help. I didn't study. I didn't go to class. My grades obviously fell.. All I did was lay around and watch Doctor Who.. I can honestly say that that show, my therapist, and meds saved my life.

I was worried I was going to back track on the whole cutting thing, so I looked into therapy and found a very wonderful therapist. She uses meds as an absolute last resort, so we tried various methods of dealing with my depression and anxiety. I tried St. John's Wort for the depression and a stress ball for the anxiety. The stress ball worked, but the herb did not. After several months of seeing her she diagnosed me with dysthymia. From there I started medication, and have been pretty okay for the most part on them.

While I was in therapy, instead of cutting I started scalp picking as my way of dealing with stress I guess you could say. It was soothing and I liked doing it. It's been about 3 years now, and it's just gotten worse. I need to find a way to handle this stress and anxiety better than resorting to scalp picking. I've also always had a habit of face picking when my face has broken out. It hasn't healed since last month so that's worse too.

I think I'm going to post here more often when it comes to trying to stop this habit. I think it will help me. I would journal like write it all down, but that's so few and far between, and this way I'm kind of publicly accountable on stopping - even if no one reads this.

This isn't going to be a fun time. This is starting day one I think. I hope so at least...