Currently working through the sadness of my break up. I thought I had emotionally prepared myself for this, and I did somewhat, but I didn't know I would be so hurt knowing he's not in my life anymore.

I'm just kind of blah now.

I'm just existing. I'm just here. I'm not happy or sad or mad... I'm just.. here.

Updates and stuff..

I completed day 2 of work today. So far I really, really like it. I've spent these two days training for the job and such, and I took the certification test to give ANSA's. I passed on the first try so that was awesome. I'm kind of annoyed cause I did so well on the practice tests, but then barely passed the final test, I digress.

I think tomorrow I shadow someone. I don't know how excited I am about that. I'm kind of scared honestly. It's supposed to be a slow day too. I think that makes it worse. Oh well, hopefully it won't be so bad.

Scalp picking hasn't stopped, but I think it has gotten better. We shall see in the end.

I've been ridiculously tired after work, and I had to order a toll tag so I get to pay cheaper tolls on the roads. Bleh. I've been trying to resist that, but the drive home is so much faster when I take the toll road. Anyway, it's been good. I'm glad I did this honestly. I can't wait until I get more used to the schedule and then I'll start doing yoga either in the mornings, or when I get home. I don't know the best time to do yoga, and I'll have to wake up 30 minutes earlier if I want to do yoga.

My relationship has kind of been non-existent. I know the boyfriend is busy, and I'm busy but we haven't talked since Saturday I think? Maybe this relationship isn't a good idea? I don't want to believe that though. I think we could make it work if we try and not give up on it. Giving up is the worst.

We'll see. I really, really wish I could fast forward a few years. Hmph.

Oh, yeah, I turn 23 in 5 days. It definitely doesn't feel like it should be my birthday soon. I don't feel any older. I don't feel the usual excitement for my birthday either. Is this what it's like to be an adult? Birthdays just start being regular days? I'm not feeling that... not one bit.

Scared Yet Excited

In t-minus 22 hours, I will be starting a new position in the company I work for. It's a completely different facility, with completely different people (obviously). I'm so fucking scared. It's terrifying. I'm moving on to bigger and better things, but I wasn't expecting it at the ripe old age of 22.

My 23rd birthday is in a week. I feel like I have been extremely blessed I guess you could say, but I am an atheist so I say that lightly. I've just been very, very lucky. Not many people my age have it all together yet, shit I don't even have it all together, but I'm very close.

I had a new coworker go all "therapy" on me last night when I was telling her about my relationship. That was weird, and it made me start to question everything. I mean, fucking everything. I have a lot of learning to do, and I know that, I just wish I could flash forward a few years and see how this pans out.

Honestly, if this relationship doesn't work then it just doesn't. I have given it my all since day 1. I know that, and I'm proud of myself for not giving up. I might regret that later on, but it will only be for a short time. It'll be a lesson in the end if it ends. I just kind of take it day by day right now. I mean, I kind of have to with my boyfriend being on the other side of the country... The fact that we haven't given up yet.. that he hasn't given up has said a lot.

I came to write this and talk about my new job and my feelings on it, but I guess I was feeling a little more emotion towards the whole situation with the coworker. In the end, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm happy and I think in the end that's all that matters.

Day 1 was a complete fail.

I'm starting over for today. This is my day 1.

I have a problem...

When I was about 12 or 13, I started cutting. It was never too serious, and it wasn't for attention. It was my way of handling things at home. My father and I have an absolutely horrible relationship, it's been better since I moved out, but it's a terrible relationship. I don't know if I can necessarily call it emotional abuse, but if you want to look at it that way then that's how we can word it. He never hit me, but he was such an asshole... One time when I was home for Christmas break, he called me a bitch. It wasn't the best Christmas that year...

Anyway, I was a self mutilator off and on for years. When I moved to Denton in August of 2010, I hit my breaking point. I hadn't cut or even really thought about cutting for at least a couple of years, and when I moved my depression hit the worst it's ever been. I knew I needed to get help. I didn't study. I didn't go to class. My grades obviously fell.. All I did was lay around and watch Doctor Who.. I can honestly say that that show, my therapist, and meds saved my life.

I was worried I was going to back track on the whole cutting thing, so I looked into therapy and found a very wonderful therapist. She uses meds as an absolute last resort, so we tried various methods of dealing with my depression and anxiety. I tried St. John's Wort for the depression and a stress ball for the anxiety. The stress ball worked, but the herb did not. After several months of seeing her she diagnosed me with dysthymia. From there I started medication, and have been pretty okay for the most part on them.

While I was in therapy, instead of cutting I started scalp picking as my way of dealing with stress I guess you could say. It was soothing and I liked doing it. It's been about 3 years now, and it's just gotten worse. I need to find a way to handle this stress and anxiety better than resorting to scalp picking. I've also always had a habit of face picking when my face has broken out. It hasn't healed since last month so that's worse too.

I think I'm going to post here more often when it comes to trying to stop this habit. I think it will help me. I would journal like write it all down, but that's so few and far between, and this way I'm kind of publicly accountable on stopping - even if no one reads this.

This isn't going to be a fun time. This is starting day one I think. I hope so at least...

Life Lessons

I work with a favor.. unsavory, I guess you could say, coworker. She's constantly belittling those around, and just being all kinds of negative. That really brings down my mood and makes me not enjoy going to work when I know I'm going to have to be around her. I guess there are people like this in every work place though, but you know there's a problem when everyone on your shift can't stand you.

I think there is a reason God is putting this woman in my life, and having me be around her. I know I'm not walking my walk like I really should because let's be honest: modern times makes it so very easy to stray from our Christian walk. Everything is so fast paced and we're such a "give me, give me" culture that it is hard to stray from the "norm".

Anyway, I think he's trying to teach me to look at everyone with a kinder heart. I think he wants me to, even though she's trifling and rude, try and just be nice to her. God knows I don't want to go out of my way for her, and hell, she probably won't even appreciate it, but all that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how she takes my kindness, that's with her own struggles with God. I do pray for the Sacred Heart of Jesus AND Mary, so I feel like this is something he is really trying to make me take home.

I need to be a better person, in fact, we could all use a little more "bettering" (haha), but seriously, aren't we taught to love thy neighbour, as well as, treating others we want to be treated? I think we all need to step up to the plate and kind of just go out of our way to show a little bit of kindness and compassion to one another. So, let's start today, shall we?

Thanksgiving.

Since it's been Thanksgiving for about 30 minutes, and I'm stuck at work without the ability to spend this holiday with my parents I guess I should blog about the things I AM thankful for.

• God granting me the right to wake up and see the wonders he has blessed us all with.
• My wonderful family.
• My absolutely perfect friends.
• My dog.
• A roof over my head.
• A job that I'm happy to do, and that makes me feel like I'm doing some sort of good in the world.
• A good income to afford things I want.
• Coworkers that go out of their way for each other.
• The ability to know God has blessed me in each and every way he can.
• The knowledge of God's love for me; that he sent his only son to die for my sins.

I need to take some time out of my schedule to set aside for volunteering. I need to help out the less fortunate because I have the ability and want to do so. I need to go out of my way for them because I would only hope that if I was in their position, someone would do the same for me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. <3