When I was about 12 or 13, I started cutting. It was never too serious, and it wasn't for attention. It was my way of handling things at home. My father and I have an absolutely horrible relationship, it's been better since I moved out, but it's a terrible relationship. I don't know if I can necessarily call it emotional abuse, but if you want to look at it that way then that's how we can word it. He never hit me, but he was such an asshole... One time when I was home for Christmas break, he called me a bitch. It wasn't the best Christmas that year...
Anyway, I was a self mutilator off and on for years. When I moved to Denton in August of 2010, I hit my breaking point. I hadn't cut or even really thought about cutting for at least a couple of years, and when I moved my depression hit the worst it's ever been. I knew I needed to get help. I didn't study. I didn't go to class. My grades obviously fell.. All I did was lay around and watch Doctor Who.. I can honestly say that that show, my therapist, and meds saved my life.
I was worried I was going to back track on the whole cutting thing, so I looked into therapy and found a very wonderful therapist. She uses meds as an absolute last resort, so we tried various methods of dealing with my depression and anxiety. I tried St. John's Wort for the depression and a stress ball for the anxiety. The stress ball worked, but the herb did not. After several months of seeing her she diagnosed me with dysthymia. From there I started medication, and have been pretty okay for the most part on them.
While I was in therapy, instead of cutting I started scalp picking as my way of dealing with stress I guess you could say. It was soothing and I liked doing it. It's been about 3 years now, and it's just gotten worse. I need to find a way to handle this stress and anxiety better than resorting to scalp picking. I've also always had a habit of face picking when my face has broken out. It hasn't healed since last month so that's worse too.
I think I'm going to post here more often when it comes to trying to stop this habit. I think it will help me. I would journal like write it all down, but that's so few and far between, and this way I'm kind of publicly accountable on stopping - even if no one reads this.
This isn't going to be a fun time. This is starting day one I think. I hope so at least...
Friday, October 18, 2013
Monday, December 17, 2012
Life Lessons
I work with a favor.. unsavory, I guess you could say, coworker. She's constantly belittling those around, and just being all kinds of negative. That really brings down my mood and makes me not enjoy going to work when I know I'm going to have to be around her. I guess there are people like this in every work place though, but you know there's a problem when everyone on your shift can't stand you.
I think there is a reason God is putting this woman in my life, and having me be around her. I know I'm not walking my walk like I really should because let's be honest: modern times makes it so very easy to stray from our Christian walk. Everything is so fast paced and we're such a "give me, give me" culture that it is hard to stray from the "norm".
Anyway, I think he's trying to teach me to look at everyone with a kinder heart. I think he wants me to, even though she's trifling and rude, try and just be nice to her. God knows I don't want to go out of my way for her, and hell, she probably won't even appreciate it, but all that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how she takes my kindness, that's with her own struggles with God. I do pray for the Sacred Heart of Jesus AND Mary, so I feel like this is something he is really trying to make me take home.
I need to be a better person, in fact, we could all use a little more "bettering" (haha), but seriously, aren't we taught to love thy neighbour, as well as, treating others we want to be treated? I think we all need to step up to the plate and kind of just go out of our way to show a little bit of kindness and compassion to one another. So, let's start today, shall we?
I think there is a reason God is putting this woman in my life, and having me be around her. I know I'm not walking my walk like I really should because let's be honest: modern times makes it so very easy to stray from our Christian walk. Everything is so fast paced and we're such a "give me, give me" culture that it is hard to stray from the "norm".
Anyway, I think he's trying to teach me to look at everyone with a kinder heart. I think he wants me to, even though she's trifling and rude, try and just be nice to her. God knows I don't want to go out of my way for her, and hell, she probably won't even appreciate it, but all that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how she takes my kindness, that's with her own struggles with God. I do pray for the Sacred Heart of Jesus AND Mary, so I feel like this is something he is really trying to make me take home.
I need to be a better person, in fact, we could all use a little more "bettering" (haha), but seriously, aren't we taught to love thy neighbour, as well as, treating others we want to be treated? I think we all need to step up to the plate and kind of just go out of our way to show a little bit of kindness and compassion to one another. So, let's start today, shall we?
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving.
Since it's been Thanksgiving for about 30 minutes, and I'm stuck at work without the ability to spend this holiday with my parents I guess I should blog about the things I AM thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. <3
- God granting me the right to wake up and see the wonders he has blessed us all with.
- My wonderful family.
- My absolutely perfect friends.
- My dog.
- A roof over my head.
- A job that I'm happy to do, and that makes me feel like I'm doing some sort of good in the world.
- A good income to afford things I want.
- Coworkers that go out of their way for each other.
- The ability to know God has blessed me in each and every way he can.
- The knowledge of God's love for me; that he sent his only son to die for my sins.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. <3
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Lions, Tigers, and... Demons? Oh my!
I don't know how many people I've told this story to over the years, but I have to kind of give background about what's going on now, so here goes.
I moved to Denton, TX for college in July of 2010. When I was in the process of moving from my parents house, I got real into Chrisitianity. I was reading my bible, praying, and actually making an effort to hear God's word and revolve my life around Him. I've always struggled with my beliefs, and this time honestly was no different.
About a month or so after the move, I started having nightmares. In these nightmares I would be with people when all of a sudden, their face would contort, and in my dream they were possessed by demons. These dreams got increasingly worse as the days went by, and I eventually was terrified to fall asleep because of these dreams. The last one I had, I called my mom crying because I was so scared. She agreed to come the next day and we went to a store that specializes in the occult so to say, and they listened to what she had to say and gave me stones to place around the room my bed was in, as well as, stones to place in my pillow. I keep those in my pillow to this day, by the way. A little while after the stones came, I started questioning if whether I really believed in God or not. I realised that, at that time, I didn't and immediately came out as an Atheist. I will admit, after that happened the dreams stopped. Completely.
Flash forward to 2012, where I met this absolutely beautiful, amazing woman who introduced me to Catholicism. I discussed my journey a couple of blog posts ago. Anyways, a couple of weeks ago the dreams started again. I have a rosary bracelet to remind me to pray the rosary, as well as show others my Catholicism without wearing a crucifix on a necklace. Anyway, for a few days there I stopped wearing it while I was sleeping (keep in mind the only time I usually take the bracelet off is to shower). I would ponder why these dreams were happening when I decided to make sure I put my bracelet back on before I went to sleep to see if it helped, long story short it did. Also, while the dreams have been going on, I've had an increase in an uneasy feeling while I'm upstairs, one night I woke up and could have sworn that I heard someone moving downstairs (and it wasn't Harlow in her cage), and things have gone missing which is more annoying than anything else.
I went home last Monday because my mom found out she had a bought of skin cancer on her leg, of course I couldn't NOT be there for her. While I was home, my sleep was undisturbed by nightmares, except for when I purposely didn't wear my rosary bracelet. Anyway, I came home last night and stayed up pretty late because I knew I had to sleep all day for work tonight. While I was sleeping, I was plagued by the dreams again. I would wake up and be so tired that I would immediately fall back into a nightmare fueled sleep. While dreaming, I do remember trying to recite the Lord's Prayer, I didn't recite it very well, and I don't really remember if it worked, but I'm hoping that it will.
Tonight at work, I decided to look up what exactly it all means. Spiritual warfare, plain and simple. I'm also terrified by all this because last time the demons won. I shut myself off from God, and I can't do that. At all. Prayers would be wonderful, as always. :)
I moved to Denton, TX for college in July of 2010. When I was in the process of moving from my parents house, I got real into Chrisitianity. I was reading my bible, praying, and actually making an effort to hear God's word and revolve my life around Him. I've always struggled with my beliefs, and this time honestly was no different.
About a month or so after the move, I started having nightmares. In these nightmares I would be with people when all of a sudden, their face would contort, and in my dream they were possessed by demons. These dreams got increasingly worse as the days went by, and I eventually was terrified to fall asleep because of these dreams. The last one I had, I called my mom crying because I was so scared. She agreed to come the next day and we went to a store that specializes in the occult so to say, and they listened to what she had to say and gave me stones to place around the room my bed was in, as well as, stones to place in my pillow. I keep those in my pillow to this day, by the way. A little while after the stones came, I started questioning if whether I really believed in God or not. I realised that, at that time, I didn't and immediately came out as an Atheist. I will admit, after that happened the dreams stopped. Completely.
Flash forward to 2012, where I met this absolutely beautiful, amazing woman who introduced me to Catholicism. I discussed my journey a couple of blog posts ago. Anyways, a couple of weeks ago the dreams started again. I have a rosary bracelet to remind me to pray the rosary, as well as show others my Catholicism without wearing a crucifix on a necklace. Anyway, for a few days there I stopped wearing it while I was sleeping (keep in mind the only time I usually take the bracelet off is to shower). I would ponder why these dreams were happening when I decided to make sure I put my bracelet back on before I went to sleep to see if it helped, long story short it did. Also, while the dreams have been going on, I've had an increase in an uneasy feeling while I'm upstairs, one night I woke up and could have sworn that I heard someone moving downstairs (and it wasn't Harlow in her cage), and things have gone missing which is more annoying than anything else.
I went home last Monday because my mom found out she had a bought of skin cancer on her leg, of course I couldn't NOT be there for her. While I was home, my sleep was undisturbed by nightmares, except for when I purposely didn't wear my rosary bracelet. Anyway, I came home last night and stayed up pretty late because I knew I had to sleep all day for work tonight. While I was sleeping, I was plagued by the dreams again. I would wake up and be so tired that I would immediately fall back into a nightmare fueled sleep. While dreaming, I do remember trying to recite the Lord's Prayer, I didn't recite it very well, and I don't really remember if it worked, but I'm hoping that it will.
Tonight at work, I decided to look up what exactly it all means. Spiritual warfare, plain and simple. I'm also terrified by all this because last time the demons won. I shut myself off from God, and I can't do that. At all. Prayers would be wonderful, as always. :)
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Social Networking was kind of taken over my life.
The other day, Thursda I think, I decided to deactivate my facebook. The negativity I have come across on that site from the election as well as being a part of the LGBT community, I was just so very, very tired. Also, I'm tired of people being too far into my personal business. I was just more than okay with sharing all of these private things with the whole world, I mean, I guess I still am, but that's not the point.
I used to have to check facebook so often. I can't even say how often I was on the site in one day. It took up so much of my time and energy. A couple of months ago I decided to take a break from it, so I did for about a week and then I was back to it stronger than ever, but this is the first time I've actually deactivated it.
I stopped going on twitter as much as well. The only sites I'm using since getting rid of facebook are tumblr and instagram. Who knows how long those are going to last being used in my life. I always need some place to kind of vent so I'll keep tumblr for that possibly, but I don't know. We shall see.
Since weening myself off social networking I feel so much better about myself. I'm not wasting my life trying to see what people I probably don't even care about are doing. Sure, it's awesome to use facebook to catch up, but I was just friends with so many people from high school and a good majority of them I wasn't even bothered with in high school, so why start now?
I'm especially happy that I won't be getting upset over what someone posts that significantly differs from my opinion. I know we all have opinions, but when all I see someone post is something that differs what I believe I get annoyed. Don't even get me started on those people who are rude about our differing opinions.
I was also beginning to become friends with a lot of guys that quite honestly creeped me the fuck out. I don't want to date anyone. I'm in love with someone and regardless of how our relationship is, it would never be fair to someone else, let alone myself, to try and get into something when I'm not all there. It has taken me a long time to come to those terms, to realize I don't need to rush things, to just slow down my life and relationships, so I'm not going to contradict everything that I've worked so hard for.
I don't have to worry with any of that anymore. I may activate my facebook again some day, but right now I don't need it in my life. God will provide those people who care about me in my life with the means to reach me. I do have a cell. :)
I used to have to check facebook so often. I can't even say how often I was on the site in one day. It took up so much of my time and energy. A couple of months ago I decided to take a break from it, so I did for about a week and then I was back to it stronger than ever, but this is the first time I've actually deactivated it.
I stopped going on twitter as much as well. The only sites I'm using since getting rid of facebook are tumblr and instagram. Who knows how long those are going to last being used in my life. I always need some place to kind of vent so I'll keep tumblr for that possibly, but I don't know. We shall see.
Since weening myself off social networking I feel so much better about myself. I'm not wasting my life trying to see what people I probably don't even care about are doing. Sure, it's awesome to use facebook to catch up, but I was just friends with so many people from high school and a good majority of them I wasn't even bothered with in high school, so why start now?
I'm especially happy that I won't be getting upset over what someone posts that significantly differs from my opinion. I know we all have opinions, but when all I see someone post is something that differs what I believe I get annoyed. Don't even get me started on those people who are rude about our differing opinions.
I was also beginning to become friends with a lot of guys that quite honestly creeped me the fuck out. I don't want to date anyone. I'm in love with someone and regardless of how our relationship is, it would never be fair to someone else, let alone myself, to try and get into something when I'm not all there. It has taken me a long time to come to those terms, to realize I don't need to rush things, to just slow down my life and relationships, so I'm not going to contradict everything that I've worked so hard for.
I don't have to worry with any of that anymore. I may activate my facebook again some day, but right now I don't need it in my life. God will provide those people who care about me in my life with the means to reach me. I do have a cell. :)
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Is Catholicism such a bad thing?
I have been converting to Catholicism for the past month or so. I started going to Mass, praying everyday, and have even spent the time decorating my place with various religious items. I'm super serious about this Catholicism thing. This is the first time in my entire life that a religion has made me feel happy, whole, and loved.
Before I started converting, I identified as an Atheist. Honestly, I get more questions asking "why?" now than I did when I was an Atheist. I'm tired of being questioned why when it comes to Catholicism. I know it is strict and, looking in from the outside, it isn't the best denomination to get behind, but it makes me happy. I'm not doing this for anyone else BUT MYSELF. I am so very, very tired of the questions though. Ask me about Catholicism, learn something, instead of wondering why I chose this religion and kind of making me feel like I need to pick something different. Be happy that I've even found God because before this all happened I didn't believe. Be proud of me in that aspect and don't patronize me for my beliefs. I'm sure none of you are trying to do that, but that is exactly how I feel. Sorry, I don't see myself being a baptist, or Jewish, or Mormon.
Catholicism is beautiful to me. The rituals are beautiful. The prayers are beautiful. Mass makes me feel so much better about myself than anything else I have ever done in my life. Isn't that enough? Stop questioning me why I'm doing what I'm doing like it's a bad thing. Just stop.
Be happy that I'm doing this for myself. I'm more than happy to answer any questions you may have, in fact, I welcome the questions. I would love to teach you the beauty of my denomination. I would love to show you how amazing it could be to go to Mass and be filled with the love of the Spirit every day. Just, please, think before you ask anything that will be construed as rude.
Before I started converting, I identified as an Atheist. Honestly, I get more questions asking "why?" now than I did when I was an Atheist. I'm tired of being questioned why when it comes to Catholicism. I know it is strict and, looking in from the outside, it isn't the best denomination to get behind, but it makes me happy. I'm not doing this for anyone else BUT MYSELF. I am so very, very tired of the questions though. Ask me about Catholicism, learn something, instead of wondering why I chose this religion and kind of making me feel like I need to pick something different. Be happy that I've even found God because before this all happened I didn't believe. Be proud of me in that aspect and don't patronize me for my beliefs. I'm sure none of you are trying to do that, but that is exactly how I feel. Sorry, I don't see myself being a baptist, or Jewish, or Mormon.
Catholicism is beautiful to me. The rituals are beautiful. The prayers are beautiful. Mass makes me feel so much better about myself than anything else I have ever done in my life. Isn't that enough? Stop questioning me why I'm doing what I'm doing like it's a bad thing. Just stop.
Be happy that I'm doing this for myself. I'm more than happy to answer any questions you may have, in fact, I welcome the questions. I would love to teach you the beauty of my denomination. I would love to show you how amazing it could be to go to Mass and be filled with the love of the Spirit every day. Just, please, think before you ask anything that will be construed as rude.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
College.. Is it worth it?
It's been a really long time. This is what happens when you start a full time job and become an adult I guess?
You know, I really have to question what my college degree is going to help me accomplish.. I'm not going to quit, believe me I'm way too close to finishing for that, but I'm just kind of curious. I have a fantastic job right now, in the field that I want to work in for the rest of my life. Did I need my degree for that? Nope.
I know a bachelor's in psychology doesn't do much if anything.. it just really looks good on paper. Is that why I'm spending the government's money and learning stuff that I don't necessarily care for? Just to look good on paper? I don't know. I think I'm just tired of being in school. I've been in school since I was about 5 years old.
This has been non stop. I really just want a break. I'm going to be going back to school as soon as I graduate from UNT this summer or this fall, but maybe I should take a year off and just concentrate on working?
I don't know. Just a thought.
You know, I really have to question what my college degree is going to help me accomplish.. I'm not going to quit, believe me I'm way too close to finishing for that, but I'm just kind of curious. I have a fantastic job right now, in the field that I want to work in for the rest of my life. Did I need my degree for that? Nope.
I know a bachelor's in psychology doesn't do much if anything.. it just really looks good on paper. Is that why I'm spending the government's money and learning stuff that I don't necessarily care for? Just to look good on paper? I don't know. I think I'm just tired of being in school. I've been in school since I was about 5 years old.
This has been non stop. I really just want a break. I'm going to be going back to school as soon as I graduate from UNT this summer or this fall, but maybe I should take a year off and just concentrate on working?
I don't know. Just a thought.
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