Friday, October 18, 2013

I have a problem...

When I was about 12 or 13, I started cutting. It was never too serious, and it wasn't for attention. It was my way of handling things at home. My father and I have an absolutely horrible relationship, it's been better since I moved out, but it's a terrible relationship. I don't know if I can necessarily call it emotional abuse, but if you want to look at it that way then that's how we can word it. He never hit me, but he was such an asshole... One time when I was home for Christmas break, he called me a bitch. It wasn't the best Christmas that year...

Anyway, I was a self mutilator off and on for years. When I moved to Denton in August of 2010, I hit my breaking point. I hadn't cut or even really thought about cutting for at least a couple of years, and when I moved my depression hit the worst it's ever been. I knew I needed to get help. I didn't study. I didn't go to class. My grades obviously fell.. All I did was lay around and watch Doctor Who.. I can honestly say that that show, my therapist, and meds saved my life.

I was worried I was going to back track on the whole cutting thing, so I looked into therapy and found a very wonderful therapist. She uses meds as an absolute last resort, so we tried various methods of dealing with my depression and anxiety. I tried St. John's Wort for the depression and a stress ball for the anxiety. The stress ball worked, but the herb did not. After several months of seeing her she diagnosed me with dysthymia. From there I started medication, and have been pretty okay for the most part on them.

While I was in therapy, instead of cutting I started scalp picking as my way of dealing with stress I guess you could say. It was soothing and I liked doing it. It's been about 3 years now, and it's just gotten worse. I need to find a way to handle this stress and anxiety better than resorting to scalp picking. I've also always had a habit of face picking when my face has broken out. It hasn't healed since last month so that's worse too.

I think I'm going to post here more often when it comes to trying to stop this habit. I think it will help me. I would journal like write it all down, but that's so few and far between, and this way I'm kind of publicly accountable on stopping - even if no one reads this.

This isn't going to be a fun time. This is starting day one I think. I hope so at least...

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